For over a generation, now, schools, parents and social institutions have been fighting a battle with teen pregnancy. They have tried sex education, and that didn’t work. Pregancies went up. They tried free condom distribution. Pregnancy went up again. They have tried secret abortions, but that only works after pregnancy. Now some are trying abstinence programs.
But even if they could have abstinence programs in all the schools, they would only be able to affect the problem at the margins. Some kids are taking chastity vows, and even wearing chastity rings, which Jay Leno thought was really funny.
By any statistical method, the abstinence program will, in the end, be a failure. It is like commanding the tide not to come in. Some teens in the churches have said they are tired of lessons about sex and drugs. Just wait until you are tired of sex, because that day is coming. In Japan, it is already here. Sexual fatigue is setting in. Just notice the asinine ads on television for Viagra and Cialis. You don’t think they are spending all that money for a few guys, do you? Judging by the ads, sexual dysfunction is as common as arthritis.
So, what’s wrong with abstinence programs? Putting it simply, it is a denial of human nature. It is asking the kids to maintain a vacuum, and nature abhors a vacuum. It is not exactly related, but do you remember what Jesus said about the homeless demon?
When an unclean spirit goes out of a man, he goes through dry places, seeking rest, and finds none. Then he says, 'I will return to my house from which I came.' And when he comes, he finds it empty, swept, and put in order. Then he goes and takes with him seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter and dwell there; and the last state of that man is worse than the first. So shall it also be with this wicked generation. (Matthew 12:43-45)
Every single program the social institutions have tried has left the kids empty, even if not swept and garnished. As it was with the man possessed, so will it be for this generation. This generation has left our kids with an empty place inside, and we seem to have no idea how to fill it. Everyone knows the empty place is there. But the only solution we can suggest is to keep it empty swept and garnished. And we seem to have forgotten that the last case can be worse than the first.
I’m not sure how it happened, I am only sure that it has happened, that our society, for more than a generation, has been losing the power to love. And Viagra, Cialis and Levitra can’t give it back.
Nature abhors a vacuum, and the vacuum we have created in our world is being filled with sex. That may sound exciting, and it is for a while. But it can’t hold. When the sex begins to lose its excitement, and it will, then there is no love to hold us together.
There was a time when we spoke of "making love." Now we speak of "having sex." And believe me, it is not the same thing. Newsweek ran a cover article not long ago about marital infidelity.
According to the editors, infidelity is increasing steadily. There was another society like ours long ago and the prophet Jeremiah came to them with a message from God:
How shall I pardon you for this? Your children have forsaken Me And sworn by those that are not gods. When I had fed them to the full, Then they committed adultery And assembled themselves by troops in the harlots' houses. They were like well-fed lusty stallions; Every one neighed after his neighbor's wife. Shall I not punish them for these things?" says the LORD. And shall I not avenge Myself on such a nation as this? (Jeremiah 5:7-9)
We are a nation just like this. Everyone neighs after his neighbor’s wife. The difference now is that she whinnies back.
If teaching abstinence is like teaching the tide not to come in, then perhaps the alternative is to give Love a chance, to teach and to give love to the kids, so they have something else to work with.
Let me see if I can give us a little perspective on this issue. Recently, a friend told me of a young lady who was going with a young man when she got a phone call from an old boy friend. The new boy friend cursed her, called her names and left.
Time passes. She is now back with the boyfriend who cursed her and is, to use the vernacular, hanging all over him. Is she making a mistake? Absolutely. Why can’t she see it? I think it is because she has never really known love. If she had, she would know that this guy did not love her when he cursed her and is very unlikely to love her now. How can I say this? Well, it was Paul who said it. He said love is patient and is kind. He said that love is not easily provoked, and that Love never fails.
Well, maybe he didn’t love her then, but he loves her now. How likely is this? And how on earth would she ever know? I will tell the girls something they can always depend on. When a man mistreats you, he has lost the power to love. Rollo May said that when men lose the power to love, they substitute power over. Men who cannot love are the men who abuse their mates and their children. Such men have no respect for others. They have no real respect for themselves.
I well remember my first date. I dressed to the nines. My tie was straight, my hair was combed. My shoes were shined. When I picked up my date, she was beautiful. She had on a formal dress, her hair was done, her makeup was perfect. I gave her a corsage, and we went to the dance on the city bus. I had no car. I am not even sure I had a driver’s license.
The girl’s name was Allie, and I would come to love her like my own life. Neither of us knew the other well enough to love each other on that first date, but both of us had self respect and respect for one another. It makes me wonder if respect is the essential foundation upon which love can be built. I think I can safely say that people who do not respect one another will never come to love one another.
That was a formal dance. But if I had come to pick her up for a sock hop wearing dirty jeans, shaggy, needing a haircut and with hair uncombed, having made no special attempt to look nice for her, what should she have concluded?
A. I had no self respect
B. I had no respect for her.
C. I was not the kind of man she wanted in her life.
It is not just a matter of appearances. It is a matter of respect, respect for yourself, respect for the girl or the fellow. There is a little understood parable of Jesus that relates to this. Jesus said:
But when the king came in to see the guests, he saw a man there who did not have on a wedding garment. So he said to him, 'Friend, how did you come in here without a wedding garment?' And he was speechless. Then the king said to the servants, 'Bind him hand and foot, take him away, and cast him into outer darkness; there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. (Matthew 22:11-13)
Why such a radical action? Because the man had shown no respect. I think this is how fathers should react when some scruffy looking lout turns up at his front door to take his daughter on a date: "You don’t respect my daughter, you don’t date my daughter. If you don’t treat my daughter right, you may have an unpleasant visit from her very large uncle." After all, someday this creepy looking fellow might become the father of your grandchildren. Pay attention.
There are other infallible signs of a lack of self respect: Tatoos and body piercing, for example. There is no self respect, no respect for the body, and likely no respect for anyone else. Not even God.
Another sign of the loss of self-respect among girls is the shocking prevalence of oral sex. They can’t get pregnant that way, this is true, but it is demeaning beyond belief. Ever since Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky this has been on the increase, but what teenage girls may not know is that oral sex is a dominance thing. For Bill Clinton, it was power over women. Remember? Power over is what men substitute for the power to love.
Girls who give oral sex to boys have no self-respect left. Why do they do it? They are trying to fill that empty place inside of them where love is supposed to dwell.
Some time ago, I saw a television documentary titled, "The Lost Children of Rockdale County." Even now, I find it hard to explain how I felt as I watched. They did thorough interviews with everyone concerned and the dominant impression was that of a set of wrecked lives. The whole issue had come to light as a result of an epidemic of syphilis in one high school in a normal American community.
These were kids who were starved for attention. They got no respect at home – for attention is a kind of respect. They got little affection at home. They were starving to death, emotionally. The soul that is killed with hunger is better than the soul that is killed by a lack of love. They are both dead, even though one is walking.
What are the signs that there is still hope for love? How can you tell if you should make further investment of yourself in a relationship with a man or a woman? Even people who are really in love have spats from time to time, and they can be patched up. But sometimes the relationship is sour and will never get better. How can you tell the difference? There is a set of criteria you can use to judge whether this man or this woman is worth another chance, and these criteria all involve respect. Let me write this to a woman who is in doubt about her man, but realize that is can go either way.
First, is this man is patient with you? Patience shows respect and respect is essential for love to survive. Second, is he kind to you, not only in deeds, but in words. Kindness is born of respect, and it is an essential element for soil in which love can grow.
Does he use profanity in your presence? Mind you, if he addresses you with profanity, if he calls you names, he does not respect you. Love cannot grow in that soil. You would do well to get away from such a man and never go back.
Your man should not be the jealous type. He should not expect you to be obsessed with him. Some men are obsessed with themselves and think everyone else should be. Love can’t grow in this soil. Even envy of others is bad soil, for envy is rottenness to the bones and sooner or later, it will turn on you.
Your must not be full of himself. During the multiple crises that affected the Clinton administration, the most common expression I heard was that, for the President, everything was about him. This is not the kind of man or woman you want.
Your man should not be a person who is consumed with appearances, who makes a parade of himself, This is not soil in which love can grow. The man must be well behaved. This may sound like a small thing, but it is crucial. Good behavior goes with self respect. Respect for others is at the root of good behavior. Rebellion has its place and its time. But beware the rebel without a cause.
Your man must not have a bad temper. Chances are, a hot temper is incurable, and you should stay away from such people like the plague. Solomon wrote of such: A man of great wrath shall suffer punishment: for if thou deliver him, yet thou must do it again. (Prov 19:19 KJV) Heed that warning. Bail him out of jail, but get away from him because if you don’t you will have to do it again.
Your man should not think badly of people nor speak evil of them. It is a lack of respect for others, and sooner or later, it will fall back on you. This man bears up under tough situations and does not fall apart on you. How important is this going to be when your kid is running a fever of 104 and is throwing up every half hour?
This man is optimistic about the future. That doesn’t mean he wears rose colored glasses. It means he is hopeful, and therefore doesn’t quit trying. This man doesn’t sweat the small stuff, and he knows that that most of it is small stuff. This man always assumes the best of you, and always gives you the benefit of the doubt.
All these traits are soil in which love can grow. But you have to give love a chance. Love can be the greatest thing in your life. It can give you joy you never imagined was possible.
Where did I get all this? Well, from 1 Corinthians 13, of course – the Love Chapter.
There was a song by Joni Mitchell. You may remember it.
Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way that you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way
But now it's just another show
And you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away
I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I Really don't know love at all.
A girl who goes to bed with a man who does not love her like his own life, may never know love at all. Give Love a Chance.